Time progresses, and I’m left feeling like these moments feel so temporary. Days, weeks, years… they all seem so short when viewed behind me. It is very easy to lose myself in things I won’t remember or I won’t ever be proud of. Sure, it feels nice sometimes to “chill” and relax through each evening, but how proud am I of these moments as I reflect back on my life?
I don’t feel that worth is tied up in physical achievement but I do believe that there is merit in being a good husband and a good father. I realize in times like now that it can be so simple to be average when I’m not nourished like I need to be and I don’t have a vision for being these things. A vision is so important to be successful in really feeling like I’m walking in being who I’m meant to be.
Recently I’ve been spending more time taking things more slowly, but in a different way than if I were inactive. The last few days we’ve listened to less music. I’ve spent more time working on making small improvements on the state of the living room, the dining room or the kitchen, and making sure to interact with Elisha and help show him what things are good for playing with and teaching him new skills and words.
I realize that so many decisions come from how I feel, and I need to apply myself more in diligently doing what I know I ought to. There’s a balance to it, and I want to find a place where I can improve our home, bring things in order, learn more and seek the Lord but in a way that isn’t rushed, stressed or unnecessarily uncomfortable. Instead, I want it to be uncomfortable only as fruits and vegetables are uncomfortable to a microwave diet — where the unfamiliar is the good, and the familiar is a derision from what is best in me. For these things, continued practice will change me, and change will help me gain a taste for things I should really have a taste for. Pursuing discipline for its own sake and embracing discomfort as some manner of virtue in itself is not wise, and may only lead to unpleasant, unhappy experience with little value.
I want to know the things that have value and exercise them, not think on them. I want to know and apply the things which matter the most. The goals of knowing God spiritually and blessing Deborah and Elisha physically place demands that I be of a certain mind and strength that I need to have. It requires that I think about the things I put into my body and exercise self-control in how I apply my strength and about when I choose not to apply my strength. It means I need to be diligent but I must also be equipping my own needs so I have enough to offer them.
And that is why I want to read more and take things more slowly for the sake of pursuing things that matter most and not the things which threaten the quality of my time. I need to budget my time as well as all my resources.
Lord, help me to be used for what matters and to not be distracted. Help direct me in the things which equip me for my life and filter out the other pursuits which take away from you and my family. Thank you for this opportunity to be blessed with beautiful people in my family that I get to cherish every day. Help me dwell with my heart at home here, and with you.