I am sitting here in my room, alone.
My heart aches. It says, “I am lonely.” It is puzzling. Sure, I am in a room alone at the present, though I had a full day of connecting, talking, being active and being anything but alone. I was present with others, had emotionally connected conversations and ultimately a fulfilling day.
And yet the ache.
It is interesting to work to label emotions properly. I had a lot of help in the past on what some would call “false feelings.” I will give you an example. “I feel abandoned.” That is a thought. When I think I have been abandoned, how do I feel? Take three people and put them alone in the room, and you may well find three different emotions given the same circumstance. Excitement, loneliness, confusion, despair, grief, anxiety… the list goes on.
So I labeled this loneliness. Though what is interesting is that this means I get to blame my feelings on something I don’t quite have control over right now. The truth simply is that my heart aches. Why? The only healthy way to engage my heart is to hear it out, listen to it, and give it the space it needs to feel all it needs to feel without judgment.
Longing. I think longing might be another way to describe this. I think that a sense of longing and desire will haunt us and be present with us for our whole lives. Yet it is for a purpose, I believe. I long for connection in friendships and fellowships that are unfulfilled or less than I dream. I long to know I am loved, I am not alone, I am cared for, I will be okay, I have exciting things to look forward to in my future.
There are people I miss today. It is hard to have distance. Yet there are so many ways I can take this longing and take this aching in my heart and apply it in positive ways. I can pray, I can write, I can work to build a future that blesses me and blesses them.
I do not choose the world I live in, I choose my response. I also go to my shepherd when I am hurting or in need and ask him what I need and where he is providing it today, and in what form. I am thankful for the connections I had today. I look forward to connections I hope to have in the future. Until then, I remember that “naked I came into the world, and naked I will leave it.” All I have is this moment. I am thankful.
In the meantime, I will hug the warm achiness of my longing heart and be grateful for the love it represents.